essbeejay: professor also wins at cosplay (you have got to be kidding me)
Went digging for some TFR fodder and oof, my drive did not disappoint.

A long, long, LONG time ago I mentioned a poem I'd written from the Professor's perspective about the Girls, dated 2003. 2003. Fourteen years ago.

It isn't good. But that's why this is a tfr post and not an actual, for real posted thing.

Filename is beautiful.txt, because in my youth I had no gift for subtlety. )

CRINGE. Dull, dry, maudlin. Certainly poetry at its worst.

If you subjected yourself to that, you deserve poetry at its best. (And an apology. I apologize.) Let me make amends by offering you a palate cleanser, one that I often look to as inspiration for the Professor's feelings towards his Girls.
essbeejay: bubbles as mayor (bubbles wins at cosplay)
Someone on the ask blog mentioned that I never finished the 100 Questions Meme I started for the Blues, which, holy God, you guys, it's been nearly 9 years since I last posted about that. Meme is colloquially known as something entirely different now.

Eh, here's a few questions/answers anyway.

100 Questions about the Blues: 1-10
100 Questions about the Blues: 11-20

100 Questions about the Blues: 21-25 )

100 Questions about the Greens: Complete
essbeejay: saving the world. (saving the world.)
I still need to get around to breaking down my Greens playlist, but did want to share this gem from Hozier (better remembered as the Take Me to Church guy).

I'll get into this more when the actual playlist breakdown goes up, but songs that really fit the Greens emotionally are hard to find for me. In the early days they tended towards the stuff that's a little hard-edged, sometimes violent (stuff along the vein of Drilled a Wire Through My Cheek, Closer, and, naturally, Kiss With A Fist), but songs about the friendship side of it, the mutual understanding that goes unspoken, those songs are few and far between.

This one fucking nails it, though.

essbeejay: saving the world. (saving the world.)
Despite all my advancements in the realm of being a fully functional and generally happy adult, something I think I'll always struggle with is finding value in my writing. All the story hits and positive comments and therapy in the world aren't likely to ever rectify this.

I had a long conversation with my s.o. the other day about whether I considered myself a legitimate writer. Long story short, I don't. For as much as I bloviate about utilizing fic to hone my craft, it's hard for me to recognize writing fic as a legitimate expression of creativity. There's a part of me that knows that I'm probably wrong, but the part of me that believes it wholeheartedly is bigger, and louder, and rooted more deeply.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Growing up, I wasn't encouraged to pursue things because I was interested in them; one particular moment I always come back to is the total lack of support I received from my parents when I decided to participate in a choral competition (basically, blind auditions for a state choir). (Side note: Choir was a big passion of mine before most everyone involved in it at my high school pretty much killed my love for it.) The sort of thing you spend as much time as possible practicing for - attending rehearsals before and after school, working with a vocal coach, drilling at home, etc., etc.

I did this for a few years, and I never made it. Which was fine - disappointing, but it didn't destroy my world. But one year, after coming home to my parents and sharing the news (once again) that no, I didn't make it, they told me it was stupid that I bothered continuing to do this, that I never made it, that I was wasting my time, so what the hell was the point?

My takeaway from this was not to stop doing the things I loved or was interested in, thankfully (it wasn't the first time I'd received this message anyway) - it was to simply never share that which I loved with other people. And because it wasn't the first time I'd been told something like this, I had internalized two pretty damaging messages by this point: 1) I could not share anything that mattered to me with others because it would become a weapon to be used against me later, and 2) The things that mattered to me had no value.

Re: that first message, I still do this! (Recently, I let my guard down and shared something with a family member - something fairly innocuous, thankfully, but still something kind of personal - and sure enough, months later, they turned it into a stick and tried to bludgeon me with it.) Sometimes I hate that I do this! But most of the time, I don't, because doing this has also protected me. As Meredith Grey once said (Jesus, does anyone even watch that show anymore), "I make no apologies for how I chose to fix what you broke." I did what I could to keep myself sane - they turned my moments of vulnerability into weapons to use against me, and so I armed myself by going silent and sharing nothing.

There are times I have really, really regretted this. It has affected not just my relationships with my family by blood, but with my family by choice. It's really fucked up friendships. That's the stuff I regret the most. I don't really have my family to blame for that, even though they buried those seeds in me and nurtured those plants so they rooted, deep. I tried to kill them by denying them water, but the vestiges of those weeds are still there, dead and twisting up my insides.

So here I am, an adult woman who loves to write but can't find value in it because I learned early on that there is no value in what you love to do if it does not result in tangible success. My s.o. asked me, "What would make you feel like a legitimate writer?" and I said, "Being published." Not the page counts on TEF, not the views, not the amount of words I've committed to the page, not the hours I've pored over my stories, not the scores of reviews, as much as I love them. Neither my therapist nor my s.o. has been able to convince me, no matter how often it comes up. I know being published will not necessarily make me feel like a "legit writer." But that's how I measure it anyway. Those were the roots that were planted, and though they've shriveled, the tunnels inside me remain.

Be good to your children and your friends. Be supportive of one another. The things you love to do have value. And if this message applies to you, even if you don't believe it yet, tell it to yourself over and over and over again, because maybe someday you will.
essbeejay: bored roar (i be roarin'. resignedly.)
While trying to get in a writing frame of mind, I started going through my old writing files (read: procrastinated) and found notes for a Blossom/Mojo fic I had planned to write at one point. (LOL YEP)

I'll preface this by saying (or pointing out (or perhaps reminding, for fellow old-timers out there!)) that through the end of the 2000s fandom as a whole was a lot more receptive (or perhaps just populated by folks who were more receptive) to pairings that would definitely range from questionable to flat-out NOPE territory in today's modern fanscape. From a personal standpoint, I never had strong feelings about Blossom/Mojo one way or the other (if I had to pin it down it'd be "Not for me, but you do you"), but there was a small part of me that occasionally gravitated towards writing a pairing I didn't personally support. The reason behind this was twofold:
  1. I was constantly trying to push myself out of my comfort zone wrt writing - not just in subject, but in the craft of writing itself (writing a pairing like Blossom/Mojo would involve very different character psychology than Blossom/Brick or any of the other RrB, for example)
  2. There was a divide between RrB/PpG writers (mostly newer/younger writers; the pairing was much more popular and hence quality was... not always a sure thing) and anti-RrB/PpG shippers (mostly older; more of a fringe group that favored character-based work over situational work, the latter of which RrB/PpG fic tended towards) and I wanted to show that someone who mostly wrote RrB/PpG could write outside of that comfort zone

Honestly, looking back, I can see I was probably being a little petty and egotistical on that second point. I wanted to be recognized and liked by as many people as possible. I'm no stranger to the phenomenon of perpetually trying to escape high school and failing.

Setting all that aside, I thought I would go ahead and share one version of what a notes file looks like from me. An old one, at that. The date on this is 2012, but I know this story (which will never be written at this point) had been rolling around in my head for longer than that.

In case anyone is interested... )

Upon reflection, the fic I had planned did not even dive into the Blossom/Mojo pool - more like skirted the surface of it, and only for a second. It's more about Blossom than it is about the pairing, and I see things in here I like a lot that I wouldn't necessarily get to explore if I pitted her against other characters.

Anyway! There you have it. Have I procrastinated effectively enough? I daresay yes. Back to the grindstone.
essbeejay: i cannot go to bed, there is epic shit happening on the internet (i'll sleep when i'm dead)
That's funny. Anyway, if you haven't been here awhile, I'm answering questions on the reg at my ask.fm account. Also, here's trivia for ch7!

'His problem is he's a whiny little bitch,' Brick answered. 'My problem is you're a giant fucking prick,' Butch retorted. )
essbeejay: saving the world. (Default)
A very important, personal note to self that I am posting here because it needs to be in a place where I will see it constantly, and if other writers may benefit from this, then that's all for the better.

Remember this. )
essbeejay: saving the world. (saving the world.)
Just the finishing details, now, and then I'll start piecing together all those snippets that I've written so far and start stitching an actual story out of them.

I'm so tired. Oof.
essbeejay: \o/ (ppg: \o/)
I hemmed and hawed and decided to bite the bullet and get an ask.fm account!

It's sbj_ama!


Over the past few years my internet habits have changed dramatically, and LJ's/DW's interface is simply too cumbersome to utilize for answering questions. This should take a lot of the pain out of it for me. If anybody out there feels like asking me anything at all from now on, TEF/MTH/PpG-related or no, point yourself thataway!

This does mean that I will no longer be doing voice posts here on LJ. The old AMA post will stay visible as an archive, but comments will be locked off. I also apologize, truly and sincerely, but if you have asked a question on LJ that I haven't yet answered, please ask me again on sbj_ama!

... You know what, that's such a lackluster way to celebrate the new year. How about I respond to the first 5 prompts I get with a drabble? Yeah, let's do that :D

Happy 2015! May all your dreams fumble their way a little closer towards reality ♥

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