essbeejay | totally not your day for ppg fic.

you will all hate me for this, i guarantee you. and to anyone who ever loved the sewer-bound, pizza-ingesting team of adolescent turtles skilled in !NINJA! all i can say is: i'm in your fandom, gaying up your turtles.

very innocent, one-sided, totally non-sexual gaying, mind you, i mean, what the hell, might as well be mature about it and all, but i figured a warning was in order, nonetheless. god, i loved donatello when i was a little girl-geek. like, crushed on him and everything. and yet, at the same time, i turned him into a girl in my brain so he could be with his twu wuv foweva, leonardo. ok, i'm just kind of scaring everybody away now, aren't i?

more ppg requests later this weekend, for those of you beseeching me for normalcy. until then, in the name of all that is holy, GO READ ORIGINS BY ELLEOQUENT. I HAVE NO MORE WORDS, I SPENT THEM ALL ON FLAILING REVIEWS FOR HER.

title: in absentia
pairing: don/leo. one-sided.
rating: pg
parts: one-shot
disclaimer: are they gaying it up? probably not mine, then.
summary: leo’s not around. don’s trying, but he doesn’t know what to do. my summaries? very emo.
notes: came home after the movie and couldn’t get it out of my head. unbeta'ed, meaning if it's any consolation to the hetters, i'll probably hate this in about three days. random bit - this was my very first slash fandom, totally serious. first grade, watching the cartoon? yes. totally serious.

In Absentia

-songbirdjen-

Donatello had really tried. He had.

In the beginning, so had Raph and Mikey. After all, Leo was just one of a team of four. It wasn’t like he was leaving Don to fend for himself, alone. It certainly wasn’t like he was leaving Don. Donatello said as much to himself when Leo first took off, heart heavy and throat tight.

“I’m not sure how we’ll get on without you,” he said to Leonardo truthfully, voice doubtful as he pulled him close for a farewell hug.

Leonardo had laughed, an unnaturally happy noise for the moment, one Donatello would agonize over later for months on end. “Don’t be ridiculous. I have complete faith in you, bro.” He cast a glance at Raphael and Michelangelo and added in a low voice, “I know you’ll keep an eye on ‘em for me.”

Don tried not to focus on Leo’s hand resting on his shoulder, nor the bro that echoed in his head. “Yeah.”

Leo grinned.

And then he left for training, completely superfluous, unnecessary training that he didn’t need. He was already a great leader. But what did Don’s opinion matter, anyway.

***

It took forever to get used to Leonardo not being around—not that any of them really did, but they managed to fall into something that could’ve passed for a routine. He tried to fill their days with sparring practice, video games, inane chatter that somehow fell flat without a fourth brother to fill in the blanks between their sentences.

Raph was the first to get sick of it.

It was easy, for him. He just didn’t bother getting up one morning, and that was it.

Mikey got tired of it too, but for his brother’s sake he didn’t say anything, kept with it until Donatello told him he didn’t need to bother. Don pulled on his headset and started focusing on fixing computer problems to take his mind off the one he couldn’t fix at home.

Machines he understood. They didn’t get depressed, or finicky, or edgy when you tried to shake them out of bed. They didn’t just suddenly stop writing letters. They didn’t up and leave you for stupid reasons, and even when they crashed, at least they didn’t break your heart.

Leonardo’s scheduled day of arrival came and went. Raphael barely batted an eye, Michelangelo got a job, and Donatello busied himself with a call about someone’s hardware crash to keep from staring at the door, waiting for Leonardo to not show up.

***

Every now and again Don though of his brother’s gaze and how it echoed that line about having complete faith in him, and he’d weasel Michelangelo into sparring. He didn’t bother with Raphael after he’d said flatly, “Forget it, Don. Stick to your books and tech stuff. Leading this family isn’t really your thing.”

The initial shock quickly dissolved into anger, and he’d almost snapped, “At least I’m making the effort.”

Except not, he instantly realized. Instead of keeping them in line, keeping their hopes up and moving them on, he let them give up, and then? Sat down at his computer to avoid thinking about it.

He wasn’t really trying at much of anything, except for not missing Leonardo, and he couldn’t even manage that.

But still, Don tried. He really did.

***

Leo finally came back, and despite the initial hitch with that emo brother of theirs, within a week things were back to normal, something Don hadn’t been able to manage when he’d had over a year to get it right.

“I’m sorry, Leo,” he told their leader one night on patrol, with Mikey and Raph taking a breather back home.

Leo looked at him in surprise. “‘Sorry?’ What are you sorry for?”

Don didn’t think he could meet his eyes and speak at the same time, so he stared out across the rooftops and said wretchedly, “If I’d kept an eye on them—if I’d tried harder instead of just giving up, Raph wouldn’t have—”

“Whoa, dude, chill. That’s old news. Everything worked out—”

“Nonetheless,” Don interrupted sharply, and paused in the hopes that he would suddenly find himself the victim of eloquence. Considerate as ever, Leonardo waited.

Finally Don sighed, his shoulders giving a bit, and shook his head. “I gave up.”

“You didn’t—”

“I did.” Don looked at Leo then, his face grim and jaw set. “I just… without you around, it was just… I couldn’t do it.” A cynical little grin tugged at his mouth, and he shrugged and said, “Leading this family isn’t really my thing.”

Leo’s eyes were soft and his brow knit in concern; Don couldn’t stand it. He looked away again.

“Donatello—”

“I missed you,” he blurted, and his heart jumped into his throat. We missed you, we missed you, he’d meant to say, and now he couldn’t shove the right words out of his mouth.

Leo was chillingly quiet. Don didn’t dare look at him.

As the pulsing, neon glow of the city seared itself into his eyes, a hand gently fell on his shoulder, squeezed it reassuringly.

“Well, now I’m back, bro,” Leo said, his voice warm and comforting, but Don got stuck on the “bro.” It reverberated in his head and tore at his chest.

You never should’ve left, Don wanted to say. You were already a great leader. You never should’ve left.

The weight of Leo’s hand on his shoulder was unbearable, and Donatello closed his eyes. If Leo’d never left, Don wouldn’t have had time to let the heartbreak settle in. If Leo’d been around, Don would’ve caught himself before he stared too long, spent less time thinking about Leo the way he did and more time feeling guilty for it.

‘Absence made the heart grow fonder,’ he realized despondently as Leo’s “bro” echoed in his head, as much as he had tried to stave it, as much as he had prayed it wouldn’t.

But Donatello had really tried. He had.

-fin-

normal transmissions of fingerless super-powered boys and girls hating/loving each other will be returned to you now. at least until turtles tumble through my head again in a very non-het manner. and on that end, go read

cupiscent's All Edge, No Middle if you ever loved the turtles, because it is drop your jaw AMAZING. and not slash, meaning safe for those who don't fancy the turtle!gay. beautiful narrative voice. still can't get over it. slight spoilers for the 2007 movie.

totally not your day for ppg fic.

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