essbeejay | I can do better.

I'm still recovering from 2010, but I'm trying to be determined. 2011 is going to be a year of rejuvenation, completion, and closure. And if it turns out it isn't, or it can't be, then at least it can be a step towards something of the sort.
-from Jan. 6th, 2011

I wish I could say that 2011 was all of those things, but in reality it was none of them. I left 2010 determined to make things a success, to make all things work out in my favor. The problem was that when things didn't work out, one after the other, I became bitter and resentful. I spent all of 2011 wretchedly angry and lashing out at everything, things that didn't deserve my rage, myself included. I'm still angry with myself. I'm still working on this.

I came out of 2010 wanting to give it the middle finger and misdirected it at 2011. After the year I'd had, I felt I was owed happiness and immediate inspiration, especially considering how hard I had worked to snare and maintain it in 2009. The circumstances in 2010 were extenuating; I could not have helped the things that kept me from all the things I loved best, writing included. But 2011... I brought that on myself. That was all me.

Instead of spending the year rejuvenating myself, I spent it instead sulking in my misery like a teenager. I don't want to be a teenager again. God, please, no. Let's not do that again.

Good things did happen in 2011. The

ppg_hub_drabble comm got started, spun off of the

ppg_hub, and it has brought me such joy to not only be a part of delivering a ready supply of wonderful, well-written PpG!fic on a monthly basis, but to have it at all, period. I met one of you lovely folks in person and had an equally lovely time. And, while I risk sounding egotistical for bringing it up, I would be remiss not to acknowledge the literal deluge of new TEF!fans following

gabzillaz's fanart earlier this year. Hello and thank you if you are one of them currently reading this post! I must apologize for my year-long bad mood. Even in the best of moods I still make a terrible hostess.

But the point is... even when wonderful, fantabulous things were happening to me, I was still angry. And that can't be blamed on anything outside of what was going on in my own head. It proves that nobody can be held responsible for my happiness except me alone.

I did get one thing right at the beginning of the year - at the very least, 2011 has been a step towards something resembling rejuvenation, completion, and closure. It took the whole fucking year to make that one little step, and you're looking at it right now. I finally figured out what the problem was: me.

Now I just have to spend 2012 fixing it.