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"U can't be dying! I NO IT IN MY HART!!!!111!1"
So I mentioned in a previous post that I had happened upon awfulness from teenage!me that I felt compelled to share. Yes, gather round! View the crappiness from which I sprung! (More like "unwittingly clawed my way out of," I suppose, but potato, potato.)
I had glanced over this back when I posted the first but couldn't recall the details, only that it was a special variety of Damn this is terrible. So, going into it mostly blind, I decided to post my reactions as well while I was transcribing it. Although it's pretty much just facepalm.gif the whole time, you guys. Occasionally there is actual, honest-to-God agony writhing. My s.o. was really weirded out while I was typing this up.
"...What are you doing?"
"IT'S A COPING MECHANISM OKAY" *WRITHES MORE, FACE PAINED*
Anyway. So. This is some awful Reds shit I wrote back in the day.
--
“Blossom?”
She turned around. “What?”
I love you.
“Nothing.” Oh God this is going to be awful.
***
He was dying.
She stared at the clock. Second after second passed by. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Oh self, you and the onomatopoeic phase you loved so dearly! Does this make anyone else think of bloodsucking parasites?
Dying.
Tick. Tick. Tick. Oh good this is going to go on for awhile I guess.
As in not going to live. Good of me to clarify that for the reader.
Tick. Tick. Tick.
I love you… Echo… echo… echo…
Tick. Tick. Tick. Oh for fuck’s sake teenage!me
He never said that to her. Had he? TENSE AGREEMENT! Should be “he’d.” Also should be less awful, ideally.
Tick. Tick. SIGH
Hi Blossom, this is Brick. Oh no oh no I’m going into flashback. Oh God you guys I am in so much pain right now I can’t believe I ever wrote this.
Brick? When’d you guys get back?
2 days ago. We’re leaving tomorrow.
So soon? You should’ve called earlier. I seriously have no recollection of what the plot of this was; my guess is the boys work for someone shady (LOL SO ORIGINAL) and the girls willfully ignore that shit?
Tick. Tick. I am going to laugh if this shows up again.
Brick, are you still there?
Yes.
Why’d you call? Because he wants to bone you, Blossom!
Tick. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA God me.
I love you, Blossom. Urrrrrrrrgggghhhhhh
What’d you say? I couldn’t hear. Drama!cakes! SO! MUCH! DRAMA!CAKES!
Tick.
Nothing. See it’s sad because she didn’t hear him confess to her and he is sad.
The clock stopped. OH MY GOD THE HORRIFICALLY UN-SUBTLE SYMBOLISM Blossom got up to change the batteries.
***
She spent a good deal of the evening awake, staring at the ceiling instead of the clock. It was ticking again. She’d replaced the batteries. Yes, that is a helpful reminder, thank you. Seriously, did I think people would not remember? Or is this just me trying to be serious!face? Though it didn’t make much of a difference. In her current state she was oblivious to all that went on around her. I guess “Show, don’t tell” didn’t mean a lot to me at this age yet. She barely heard the monotonous ticking of the clock, her sisters occasionally stirring in their sleep; even her own breathing was lost in the sea of thoughts flooding her mind now. She blinked once, then turned her head towards her sisters. They were sleeping so peacefully. They didn’t know. That they, too, had a cameo in this awful thing.
I’m dying. Or that.
What?
They would be devastated. Because they’d never get to see Brick taking his shirt off in this fic.
Is this some sort of sick joke? Actually, that would be much more in character for Brick.
Why would I have reason to lie to you? Nrrrrrrggghh who talks like this? I never watched soaps as a kid, so how did my teenage!self internalize all this terrible sounding dialogue?
You must be lying. It can’t be true. No Brick!!11!!! I LOVE YOU!!!! This is so deep and meaningful.
She rolled over on her side to face the wall.
Don’t lie to me, Brick. Ugggggghhhhhh
Blossom—
DON’T LIE! Brb, dying of shame
An uncontrollable fit of shaking overtook her body, and she drew the covers tighter around her. She pressed her temple against the wall and squeezed her eyes shut.
You can’t die.
She took a couple of deep breaths, trying to stop herself from shivering. Why did it feel so cold? Loneliness, as it turns out, makes you physically cold! Oh wait, in this case, I guess it’s the clear absence of narrative skill that my teenage!self possessed. Brrr, chilling.
You can’t.
“Don’t, Brick,” she whispered. I guess she thought he could hear her if he used his superhearing.
You’re the reckless leader. Oh goody internal monologue approaching. This should be a horrifically painful experience for me. Fearless, overconfident, egotistical jerk. Yeah this is going to be awesome. Nothing bothers you. You’re annoying and a flirt and crazy and a genius and spontaneous and sweet and smart and funny and wonderfully sentimental… :[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[
“… don’t die…”
…and creative and beautiful burning… flames on the side of my face, breathing breath—heaving breaths and sympathetic and insightful and encouraging all at the same time— Yeah that is very Brick you guys IT IS VERY BRICK
“—but you’re dying.” AND IT’S SAD, IN CASE YOU HADN’T GOTTEN THAT YET
And then it really hit Blossom; Brick was dying, her BEST FRIEND Are you kidding me I think this goes on for another page was dying, and unless they could discover the cure within two weeks HAHAHAAHAHHAA WHAT IS THIS WHAT EVEN IS THIS he would never top her score in class, never rub it in her face, whoa whoa whoa rub what now and worst of all, never challenge her to another game of pool AGGGGGHHHHHH IT IS LIKE ACID IS BEING POURED INTO MY EYES NOW POOL SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY POOL?!?! which he always let her win ever again.
He would be gone.
Dead. Killed by my current!Brick gone back in time, undoubtedly.
…beautiful, crazy, sentimental Brick… Perhaps this is all an elaborate pre-emptive trolling of my current!self by my teenage!self…in which case, WELL-PLAYED, TEENAGE!ME. WELL PLAYED.
“… why did you always let me win?” I should get some popcorn or something I guess.
Another fit of shaking surged throughout her body, complete with tears, and no matter how many deep breaths she took or however hard she drove her head against the wall, it wouldn’t stop. It just wouldn’t stop.
***
Blossom walked into the room, quietly shutting the door behind her. She saw him sitting at the window, his chin resting on one knee, gazing forlornly at the passing clouds. Oh, Brick. Even when you’re dying and lame you still gotta be striking those brooding poses for the ladies.
“Brick?”
He lifted his head and turned it to face her. For awhile they just looked at each other, silence filling the room.
“How are you feeling?” she finally asked. It was a stupid question.
He turned his head back to the window. Taking a deep breath, he exhaled slowly, letting his breath fog the glass.
“Lonely,” he whispered. =_=… He closed his eyes. I’ve been doing a lot of eye-closing myself for the past few pages.
Blossom walked across the room and knelt next to him. Resting her hands on his shoulder, she leaned in closer to him and said quietly, “Don’t be.” Yeeeeeeaaaaaaah this is awesome
His breath caught in his throat. “Might she grant him one final pre-death booty call to make up for all that lost time?” God, she was close, so unbelievably close… Incidentally, I am this close to refraining from typing out the rest.
She wrapped her arms around him to comfort him, and the gesture quickened his heart rate tremendously, swelling it and lifting it, and for the moment he forgot everything else—
The next moment it felt as if every part of his body was being ripped to pieces, pain surged through him, hot and sharp and violent, and he thought for sure this was it, this was the moment he was going to die, he knew he wouldn’t live through this one, this would be the one that killed him… I think Brick is dying from something called Badfic. Have you heard of it? I hear it’s extremely painful and causes indirect blindness from people wanting to cleanse their eyeballs with bleach afterwards.
***
He started to shake terribly in her arms, right after he gasped for air, the seizure attacking his body as he broke into another cold sweat, gripping his sides tightly to try to take his mind off the pain. Dear God this does go on, doesn’t it?
For a moment Blossom was overcome with fear; he wasn’t dying now, was he, he couldn’t die, he couldn’t die, oh please, don’t let him die…
Then her brain kicked in and she easily lifted him into her arms and carried him to his bed. Laying him down, she sat next to him and pulled him up into her arms once more, holding him securely Yeah this adverb is not necessary and stroking his back, whispering words of reassurance to him as he shivered uncontrollably. “And just at that moment, Metro Station’s song “Shake It” came on over the radio. It was hilarious timing and a good laugh was had by all! Even dying!Brick.”
Soon his breathing began to slow down, and the shaking stopped, and, placing her hand on his chest, she felt his heartbeat gradually returning to normal.
He lifted his head and opened his eyes to look at her. Oh no, I think I know where this is going. With his last amount of energy he raised a hand to her cheek.
Then he dropped his hand and fell asleep. Okay it turns out I thought I knew where it was going, and in a way I did, but teenage!me crossed out what I originally wrote during an editing session or something. Anyway, this is the original last paragraph of this section: “When you’re around… I never feel lonely… anymore… I fall, and you’re always there to… catch… me…” See, it’s so bad even teenage!me couldn’t let it live.
***
Okay, evidently some time has passed between the previous section and this next section. You’ll see.
She was speechless.
And Brick just continued to sit there, looking at her, in lover with her, HER, ever since they’d been kids. Hey this sounds exactly like the “Skirt” series! Wow was I ever creative.
“You remember that one time I called you?”
Blossom could only nod her head. I crossed out “ever so much” after this. Lols.
“Well, I tried to tell you then, but…” He trailed off, not sure how to finish. Aw, Brick is seeking out a sympathy!bone.
Her eyes sank to the ground. “You did tell me,” she whispered. “I always thought I’d just been hearing things.”
Brick lifted her chin up ever so oh man it popped up here slightly, forcing her to look at him. He brushed a few strands of hair away from her face. The touch almost pained her, she didn’t know why. Listen with your heart, Blossom. LISTEN WITH YOUR HEART. YOU WILL UNDERSTAND.
I love you. LET IT BREAK UPON YOU LIKE A WAVE UPON THE SAND…
He leaned forward, resting his forehead on hers. “Blossom—” he started, but trailing off again. Well that obviously should be “trailed.” Instead he closed his eyes and bent his head to kiss her.
“Oh God, Brick,” she said, shrinking away from him. DRAMATIC GASP! She stood up and wrapped her arms around herself. “I-I j-just need some time to think, ok?”
Without waiting for an answer she spun around and bolted for the door.
--
Yaaaay that was special.
I had glanced over this back when I posted the first but couldn't recall the details, only that it was a special variety of Damn this is terrible. So, going into it mostly blind, I decided to post my reactions as well while I was transcribing it. Although it's pretty much just facepalm.gif the whole time, you guys. Occasionally there is actual, honest-to-God agony writhing. My s.o. was really weirded out while I was typing this up.
"...What are you doing?"
"IT'S A COPING MECHANISM OKAY" *WRITHES MORE, FACE PAINED*
Anyway. So. This is some awful Reds shit I wrote back in the day.
--
“Blossom?”
She turned around. “What?”
I love you.
“Nothing.” Oh God this is going to be awful.
***
He was dying.
She stared at the clock. Second after second passed by. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Oh self, you and the onomatopoeic phase you loved so dearly! Does this make anyone else think of bloodsucking parasites?
Dying.
Tick. Tick. Tick. Oh good this is going to go on for awhile I guess.
As in not going to live. Good of me to clarify that for the reader.
Tick. Tick. Tick.
I love you… Echo… echo… echo…
Tick. Tick. Tick. Oh for fuck’s sake teenage!me
He never said that to her. Had he? TENSE AGREEMENT! Should be “he’d.” Also should be less awful, ideally.
Tick. Tick. SIGH
Hi Blossom, this is Brick. Oh no oh no I’m going into flashback. Oh God you guys I am in so much pain right now I can’t believe I ever wrote this.
Brick? When’d you guys get back?
2 days ago. We’re leaving tomorrow.
So soon? You should’ve called earlier. I seriously have no recollection of what the plot of this was; my guess is the boys work for someone shady (LOL SO ORIGINAL) and the girls willfully ignore that shit?
Tick. Tick. I am going to laugh if this shows up again.
Brick, are you still there?
Yes.
Why’d you call? Because he wants to bone you, Blossom!
Tick. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA God me.
I love you, Blossom. Urrrrrrrrgggghhhhhh
What’d you say? I couldn’t hear. Drama!cakes! SO! MUCH! DRAMA!CAKES!
Tick.
Nothing. See it’s sad because she didn’t hear him confess to her and he is sad.
The clock stopped. OH MY GOD THE HORRIFICALLY UN-SUBTLE SYMBOLISM Blossom got up to change the batteries.
***
She spent a good deal of the evening awake, staring at the ceiling instead of the clock. It was ticking again. She’d replaced the batteries. Yes, that is a helpful reminder, thank you. Seriously, did I think people would not remember? Or is this just me trying to be serious!face? Though it didn’t make much of a difference. In her current state she was oblivious to all that went on around her. I guess “Show, don’t tell” didn’t mean a lot to me at this age yet. She barely heard the monotonous ticking of the clock, her sisters occasionally stirring in their sleep; even her own breathing was lost in the sea of thoughts flooding her mind now. She blinked once, then turned her head towards her sisters. They were sleeping so peacefully. They didn’t know. That they, too, had a cameo in this awful thing.
I’m dying. Or that.
What?
They would be devastated. Because they’d never get to see Brick taking his shirt off in this fic.
Is this some sort of sick joke? Actually, that would be much more in character for Brick.
Why would I have reason to lie to you? Nrrrrrrggghh who talks like this? I never watched soaps as a kid, so how did my teenage!self internalize all this terrible sounding dialogue?
You must be lying. It can’t be true. No Brick!!11!!! I LOVE YOU!!!! This is so deep and meaningful.
She rolled over on her side to face the wall.
Don’t lie to me, Brick. Ugggggghhhhhh
Blossom—
DON’T LIE! Brb, dying of shame
An uncontrollable fit of shaking overtook her body, and she drew the covers tighter around her. She pressed her temple against the wall and squeezed her eyes shut.
You can’t die.
She took a couple of deep breaths, trying to stop herself from shivering. Why did it feel so cold? Loneliness, as it turns out, makes you physically cold! Oh wait, in this case, I guess it’s the clear absence of narrative skill that my teenage!self possessed. Brrr, chilling.
You can’t.
“Don’t, Brick,” she whispered. I guess she thought he could hear her if he used his superhearing.
You’re the reckless leader. Oh goody internal monologue approaching. This should be a horrifically painful experience for me. Fearless, overconfident, egotistical jerk. Yeah this is going to be awesome. Nothing bothers you. You’re annoying and a flirt and crazy and a genius and spontaneous and sweet and smart and funny and wonderfully sentimental… :[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[
“… don’t die…”
…and creative and beautiful burning… flames on the side of my face, breathing breath—heaving breaths and sympathetic and insightful and encouraging all at the same time— Yeah that is very Brick you guys IT IS VERY BRICK
“—but you’re dying.” AND IT’S SAD, IN CASE YOU HADN’T GOTTEN THAT YET
And then it really hit Blossom; Brick was dying, her BEST FRIEND Are you kidding me I think this goes on for another page was dying, and unless they could discover the cure within two weeks HAHAHAAHAHHAA WHAT IS THIS WHAT EVEN IS THIS he would never top her score in class, never rub it in her face, whoa whoa whoa rub what now and worst of all, never challenge her to another game of pool AGGGGGHHHHHH IT IS LIKE ACID IS BEING POURED INTO MY EYES NOW POOL SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY POOL?!?! which he always let her win ever again.
He would be gone.
Dead. Killed by my current!Brick gone back in time, undoubtedly.
…beautiful, crazy, sentimental Brick… Perhaps this is all an elaborate pre-emptive trolling of my current!self by my teenage!self…in which case, WELL-PLAYED, TEENAGE!ME. WELL PLAYED.
“… why did you always let me win?” I should get some popcorn or something I guess.
Another fit of shaking surged throughout her body, complete with tears, and no matter how many deep breaths she took or however hard she drove her head against the wall, it wouldn’t stop. It just wouldn’t stop.
***
Blossom walked into the room, quietly shutting the door behind her. She saw him sitting at the window, his chin resting on one knee, gazing forlornly at the passing clouds. Oh, Brick. Even when you’re dying and lame you still gotta be striking those brooding poses for the ladies.
“Brick?”
He lifted his head and turned it to face her. For awhile they just looked at each other, silence filling the room.
“How are you feeling?” she finally asked. It was a stupid question.
He turned his head back to the window. Taking a deep breath, he exhaled slowly, letting his breath fog the glass.
“Lonely,” he whispered. =_=… He closed his eyes. I’ve been doing a lot of eye-closing myself for the past few pages.
Blossom walked across the room and knelt next to him. Resting her hands on his shoulder, she leaned in closer to him and said quietly, “Don’t be.” Yeeeeeeaaaaaaah this is awesome
His breath caught in his throat. “Might she grant him one final pre-death booty call to make up for all that lost time?” God, she was close, so unbelievably close… Incidentally, I am this close to refraining from typing out the rest.
She wrapped her arms around him to comfort him, and the gesture quickened his heart rate tremendously, swelling it and lifting it, and for the moment he forgot everything else—
The next moment it felt as if every part of his body was being ripped to pieces, pain surged through him, hot and sharp and violent, and he thought for sure this was it, this was the moment he was going to die, he knew he wouldn’t live through this one, this would be the one that killed him… I think Brick is dying from something called Badfic. Have you heard of it? I hear it’s extremely painful and causes indirect blindness from people wanting to cleanse their eyeballs with bleach afterwards.
***
He started to shake terribly in her arms, right after he gasped for air, the seizure attacking his body as he broke into another cold sweat, gripping his sides tightly to try to take his mind off the pain. Dear God this does go on, doesn’t it?
For a moment Blossom was overcome with fear; he wasn’t dying now, was he, he couldn’t die, he couldn’t die, oh please, don’t let him die…
Then her brain kicked in and she easily lifted him into her arms and carried him to his bed. Laying him down, she sat next to him and pulled him up into her arms once more, holding him securely Yeah this adverb is not necessary and stroking his back, whispering words of reassurance to him as he shivered uncontrollably. “And just at that moment, Metro Station’s song “Shake It” came on over the radio. It was hilarious timing and a good laugh was had by all! Even dying!Brick.”
Soon his breathing began to slow down, and the shaking stopped, and, placing her hand on his chest, she felt his heartbeat gradually returning to normal.
He lifted his head and opened his eyes to look at her. Oh no, I think I know where this is going. With his last amount of energy he raised a hand to her cheek.
Then he dropped his hand and fell asleep. Okay it turns out I thought I knew where it was going, and in a way I did, but teenage!me crossed out what I originally wrote during an editing session or something. Anyway, this is the original last paragraph of this section: “When you’re around… I never feel lonely… anymore… I fall, and you’re always there to… catch… me…” See, it’s so bad even teenage!me couldn’t let it live.
***
Okay, evidently some time has passed between the previous section and this next section. You’ll see.
She was speechless.
And Brick just continued to sit there, looking at her, in lover with her, HER, ever since they’d been kids. Hey this sounds exactly like the “Skirt” series! Wow was I ever creative.
“You remember that one time I called you?”
Blossom could only nod her head. I crossed out “ever so much” after this. Lols.
“Well, I tried to tell you then, but…” He trailed off, not sure how to finish. Aw, Brick is seeking out a sympathy!bone.
Her eyes sank to the ground. “You did tell me,” she whispered. “I always thought I’d just been hearing things.”
Brick lifted her chin up ever so oh man it popped up here slightly, forcing her to look at him. He brushed a few strands of hair away from her face. The touch almost pained her, she didn’t know why. Listen with your heart, Blossom. LISTEN WITH YOUR HEART. YOU WILL UNDERSTAND.
I love you. LET IT BREAK UPON YOU LIKE A WAVE UPON THE SAND…
He leaned forward, resting his forehead on hers. “Blossom—” he started, but trailing off again. Well that obviously should be “trailed.” Instead he closed his eyes and bent his head to kiss her.
“Oh God, Brick,” she said, shrinking away from him. DRAMATIC GASP! She stood up and wrapped her arms around herself. “I-I j-just need some time to think, ok?”
Without waiting for an answer she spun around and bolted for the door.
--
Yaaaay that was special.