essbeejay: saving the world. (Default)
Unfortunately the chat I was alluding to in my previous entry - the one I was hoping to do at the end of this month - will have to get pushed back. I'm going to have to spend the end of this month traveling overseas for a funeral instead.

I found out early yesterday morning and was debating whether or not to say anything. I can't help but feel like mentioning it at all is some twisty cry for attention on my part no matter how cathartic it might actually be. Especially considering the whole reluctant BNF thing. But my mood's also been all over the place since yesterday morning and there's a good chance I could hulk out or at the very least say something really pissy and hurtful if I don't at least acknowledge it. So. This is me, acknowledging it. I don't know how hard it is to picture, but all the angry, emotional, soap-opera-esque intensity of FEELING there is in TEF with all the various characters? The stuff that you've read and the stuff that's forthcoming? I don't know what I'm saying. Maybe just that I spend a lot of time there. And I get people saying How are you able to write these characters this way, asking me how I do it so well, and that's the problem, I don't actually feel like I do it well, because I'm just writing how I feel, and most of the time I feel angry. I feel angry and pissy and bitter all the fucking time. And that's basically all I'm doing, is cordoning off all these individual bits and pieces of this me-monster into different people. I don't know. It's nothing special. Everybody on this planet is angry and pissy and bitter, all the fucking time, just like me. I'm not doing anything different, besides maybe writing it down and shoving into a bunch of cartoon characters, I guess. That's all. Sorry about the angst. I thought it was something you outgrew, but not really, huh? It just gets channeled into all these other little parts of yourself and festers like this little rotten thing inside you instead of going all Harry Potter Book 5.

Anyway. I've been planning a couple of posts for a while. I'm determined to get through as many questions as I can this weekend (and I'm not forcing myself, really, I'll have the time and things to fill my time are good for me right now) and I've been working on and off on a semi-detailed rundown of my various TEF!playlists. The Blues are up first, because, well, they start with "B" and that comes before "G" and "R." It turned into more of a project than I expected it to; you'll see what I mean. Then there's other stuff that I'm not calling to mind at the moment. Oh! A few days ago I thought about doing something special, inspired by the (fake) strangers kissing vid that went viral earlier this week. Maybe in April. We'll see.

For the record, if anyone offers their sympathies, I really do appreciate it, but I'd rather you commented with a link to something funny or happy or fluffy. Something to make me smile. I wallow enough as it is and sympathy only tends to enable that, which isn't healthy for me. In fact, let's make that a rule for the comments on this post! Something happy/fluffy/funny, if not all of the above!

(Speaking of happy things, the recent fanart by waffleswithketchup posted to the fanblog and lockwoodspenis' TEF re-read liveblog! Those things make me so happy. Thanks guys ♥ I'm very sorry to have immortalized these shout-outs in a post filled with my whinging.)
essbeejay: saving the world. (Default)
The other day I read a post where the blogger basically stated that they would be sure to download Monday's Dance Pantsed PpG Special on account of the reveal a few weeks back publicly affirming that WB/CTN doesn't care about catering to girls, and as a result CTN doesn't deserve the ratings or revenue. Which is poor thinking.

I understand the sentiment behind it - no, we should not continue to support a company that chooses to marginalize its female viewers - but refusing to watch the ONE SPECIAL, the ONE CTN SHOW whose main characters are all girls is not the way to do it. Companies need to know that a property featuring little girls being total badasses has value. They need to see it kill in the ratings, they need to see it move merchandise, they need to see it rocket to the top of iTunes' and Amazon's top downloaded show.

So here's my request, from one fan to (hopefully) many: watch the special on Monday. ON TV. If, like me, you don't have cable, try to view it the most legit way you can. If you have Christmas money or gift cards leftover, buy the episode on iTunes or Amazon. (I purchased a TV Pass - Amazon's version of a subscription to their video content - for the special, in an effort to demonstrate that I love this property so much that I am willing to pre-order it, sight unseen.) If you are flush with cash, visit CTN's online store and buy some merch. They just released a couple of fucking awesome t-shirts and are offering a sweet little PpG charm bracelet as a gift with $30 purchase. (I... have multiples coming. Cough.)

The sad truth of the business is it all comes down to numbers. Money talks. And if you have the means to, and girls' programming means something to you...

Anyway, that's all I have to say, besides I'm really looking forward to Monday's special. Obviously. (Kevin Dart posted an anon comment on his blog that actually came from me, shhh.)

Also there is this adorable fanart that was inspired by my fuckery in this post ♥ Thank you for indulging me!
essbeejay: saving the world. (Default)
The pain I feel is directly influenced by the amount of energy I am willing to feed it. I can let it fester. I can let it grow. I can let it bubble over, increase, multiply a thousandfold until it consumes me.

I can starve it, too.

Note to self: Starve it.

Fucking. Starve. It.
essbeejay: saving the world. (Default)
I reached a reluctant conclusion the other day after sending this letter to the TEF/MTH fanblog—I'm becoming a BNF.

I say reluctant for a few reasons, one of them being that I feel rather presumptuous in saying that because outside of writing the fic and posting on my lj and lurking about on tumblr, I don't actively engage in fandom enough to warrant the title. I assume that the only other fans who know or consider TEF/MTH a “big deal” are those actively seeking out a PpG/RrB story. I probably assume incorrectly, considering the amount of messages and reviews I get nowadays from folks saying they keep seeing posts on tumblr about it. (Prior to that it was deviantart.)

I'm not sure where to go with this or what I'm getting at. I notice that the way I interact with the fandom is now changing, probably as a direct result of fan culture itself changing. Tumblr is where it's at these days, and while it's awesome, from what I've seen there's a little less open dialogue that happens. (I have other thoughts on tumblr that might get posted someday, just not today.) I mean, just look at the terminology. On LJ you had friendslists. On tumblr you have followers. That's a large reason why I haven't joined tumblr—just the implications that are coded into its usage freaks me out a little. While there are tons of great, long-form articles posted very frequently, at its core tumblr is conducive to microblogging. Like Facebook, another thing that freaks me out.

I say it freaks me out, but the phrase doesn't quite fit. It discomforts me, a little. There.

And this isn't a judgment on anybody! I do not think lesser of anyone for having a tumblr or a Facebook account. I just recognize that it isn't for me.

But back to what I was saying. The way I interact with fandom is changing. I don't have the conversations I used to, and this is largely due to me needing to tip the scales in favor of real life for the past few years and people coming and going, as is typical. But the way fellow fans approach me has definitely changed. I get the feeling that... people feel like they can't approach me, or they approach me with these expectations that I'm going to be mean, or dismissive, or pretentious. (Obviously I'm not going to share any private correspondence that reflects this, so you'll have to take me at my word that it's happened enough to warrant my concern.)

I don't blame anyone for those expectations, but I can't help but feel a little stunned by it. And... well, that's kind of what finally clued me in and got me to admit what I'm admitting now: I'm becoming a BNF. Shit, I probably already am one.

I looked at my numbers on ffnet the other day. They're big. There's a fan tumblr with 400+ followers. That's big, too. People are asking lately if CTN has contacted me (!!!) and no, they haven't, to satisfy everyone's curiosity. Those aren't things that happen to or questions that get asked of just any old fan.

I hope I'm not coming off as boastful or arrogant right now. To tell you the truth, it kinda terrifies me.

I'm not saying I don't like getting those favorites or reviews, or that there's a fan tumblr, or that you guys are interested enough in what I have to say to regularly ask me questions! I love you for all those things. I love what you've given me in return for what I've been trying to give fandom. I am just incredibly overwhelmed and near-paralyzed at the idea of being even a small celebrity in this sandbox we call the PpG fandom. I never expected things to get this big. Then again, I guess nobody ever does, even though some might really, really hope.

I could spend hours trying to elaborate on the anxieties and apprehensions I have about this, but for the most part they've already been covered in this essay. But beyond that, I do want you all to know that I'm just like you. Thank you for the accolades and the love, but at the heart of it, I'm still a regular old fan.

All the same, thanks for loving what I do. All the support really does help keep me going. Thanks for finding value in what I do ♥
essbeejay: in your face, nerds! (in your face!)
I have been having a difficult time lately with fandom, and, subsequently, myself, and after poking and prodding at the things that have been giving me the most difficulty I've uncovered aspects of myself that I wasn't willing to acknowledge before. It's been an ongoing thing, progressing further and further the older I get, and it's now that it's something I've spent some time thinking about I can't say I'm very happy about it.

I had this whole big entry planned out when news and concept art of the 2013 PpG Special was released—first, I planned a SQUEEful yet rational post reacting to the immensely negative “fan” response to the concept art, which then morphed into a reservedly snarky yet very angry post where I basically called the “fans” by the crudest, most offensive insults I could think of (usually involving genitialia; my eventual favorite that has now worked its way into my actual spoken vernacular is “thundercunt”), and then I wavered back and forth for awhile between the two, but then—finally—there was only me, sinking into this sad sort of depression about what was revealed by further reflection on all this business and its effect on me.

I am not going to be eloquent about this because I have little eloquence in me these days, and I don't have the energy to be really angry about it anymore (nor do I want to be angry about it—it saps too much energy from me, of every kind, including the increasingly short-supplied creative energy I'm so desperately trying to reclaim). There's only just enough energy to keep me pretty bummed out every time I get into that headspace.

But I could talk circles around this all day, going “Wah wah meeeeeeeeeeee” and I already hate when I'm on the receiving end of that sort of thing; to be the source of it is just doubly insulting to myself. Abluh. Anyway.

Let's just pretend there's nobody out there who isn't excited about the special for a second. Let's just pretend that people don't keep getting the creator of the original series wrong. Let's pretend that people are willing to reserve judgment until proven wrong (or right) by the actual product, let's pretend that people actually know who the fuck Kevin Dart is, let's pretend that basically any fairweather fan who thinks that all it takes to make you an expert on anything is to have flipped on the television and watched it because it was on. Let me pretend for a second that no naysayers exist, so I can have this next paragraph (plus one).

I love the Powerpuff Girls. I love the art style Kevin Dart has conceived for the show. I love Kevin Dart's work! Dart is one of the most respected names in the animation industry, so seeing his name attached to the new PpG special is nothing short of euphoric for me. No matter that McCracken isn't involved in it—though I can't lie and say I'm not a little disappointed, I think bringing Dart and Dave Smith on to handle the special was one of the absolute best, smartest moves CTN could've made. For those of you who are not aware (and I daresay most of you do not, and this is not a criticism), Smith was responsible for several of the best episodes of the PpG series, including my personal favorite, “The Powerpuff Girls' Best Rainy Day Adventure Ever.” CTN does not have a history of making especially good programming decisions, but damned if they haven't been responsible for getting some of the best fucking cartoons on the air, PERIOD. (Keeping them on the air is another story, but let's table that discussion for another day.) As far as Dart is concerned, have you seen his artwork? IT'S FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. Not just the work he's done as an artist in the animation industry, but as an artist, PERIOD. Fucking astounding. Beautiful, amazing work. AND HE'S ON THE NEW POWERPUFF GIRLS SPECIAL FOR 2013. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD. HOLD ME. I THINK I'M HYPERVENTILATING. That's like the equivalent of being told you're getting a burger and going, “Yay, I love burgers!” and then finding out that not only are you getting a burger, you're getting a burger made of the highest quality grade A grass-fed ground beef flavored with truffle oil with a side of truffle cheese fries and a sparkling beverage of your choice to wash it all down and then you can follow it up with your favorite dessert (might I suggest a delicately flavored pear-champagne sorbet) and OH BY THE WAY IT'S TOTALLY COMPED SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY A THING, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SIT BACK AND ENJOY THIS HOLY CREATION OF GOODNESS THAT'S LIABLE TO ELEVATE YOUR STANDARD OF LIVING BY FIVE THOUSAND FUCKING POINTS, I MEAN ARE YOU SERIOUS BECAUSE ALL I WAS ACTUALLY EXPECTING WAS A DECENT BURGER BUT ALL THIS, THIS IS SO, SO MUCH BETTER, YES PLEASE ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY YES HOW DID YOU KNOW?! IS IT CARTOON CHRISTMAS?!

Oh, you say the chef isn't the same? Oh, well, that's kind of disappointing, but it's okay! Because God knows there are a good deal of other chefs out there who are just as capable of creating something really wonderful and amazing that I know I'll enjoy. I'm flexible. I'm game. My body is ready. Bring it on! NO, REALLY, PLEASE, GIVE IT TO ME.

There. That's my two paragraphs. Those are the paragraphs I wish I was seeing around the internet more. But mostly I see a lot of people complaining. Mostly I see a lot of people insulting a really talented artist whose work I love and admire. It's especially galling to see them refer to themselves as fans when the majority of them steal the show by downloading it off the internet, half of them can't even get the fucking creator right (no disrespect, but you MLP:FiM peeps need to step the fuck down and get your facts straight; Faust wasn't on PpG until fucking Season Four FOR THE RECORD), and then there's those thundercunts taking the “animation fan's” stance and criticizing the animation style/fact that it's cg WHEN THEY NOT ONLY HAVEN'T SEEN ANY ANIMATION FOR THE SHOW YET, BUT ARE SUCH SHIT FANS OF ANIMATION THAT THEY CAN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE THE NAMES OF TWO ACTUAL INDUSTRY TALENTS COMING TOGETHER TO WORK ON THIS FUCKING SPECIAL, NOR RECOGNIZE THE BEAUTIFULLY STYLIZED WORK BEING DONE IN CG BY KEVIN DART HIMSELF ON THE OPENING TITLES FOR RANDY CUNNINGHAM AND DISNEY IN ONE OF THEIR MOST FAMOUS ANIMATED SHORTS UP FOR THE OSCAR THIS YEAR. (Surprise, assholes! CG doesn't all look like fucking Dreamworks TV shows! If you were TRUE animation fans, you would know and recognize the actual work currently being done to play with and push the medium, but you don't because the majority of you who claim to be fans are in reality FUCKING IDIOTS BLOWING SHIT OUT YOUR ASS.)

There. That's my angry paragraph. (See, you're progressing through my arc with me.) And now: the sad revelation about the type of person I realized I am.

Go back and glance over that paragraph I wrote prior to the two detailing my excitement, as well as the paragraph after. I used really loaded, condescending language. I insulted others for being what I perceived as inferior to me. I practically outright stated “This is what makes you a good fan. This is what makes you a bad fan.” I reacted badly to others' reactions and dismissed them as being stupid, lesser. I placed their thoughts and opinions below mine, which I clearly perceive as superior. Never mind that most of these people are just kids. I mean, how short-sighted can I be? How elitist? I've always prided myself on not having that sort of attitude, and yet... Holy Hell, I really have crossed the line into BOFQ territory. (Damn! But, really. Fuck.)

And the problem is it's not just fandom where I'm like that now. This attitude—this angry superiority complex of mine that I've been feeding for the past few years—is coloring too many shades of my life. Fandom, work, relationships, you name it. I don't consider that the hallmark of a good person. And so I haven't been very happy with myself.

I don't have a solution for it (and I'm not looking for one, so while I appreciate the sentiments of anyone out there reading, I can't say that I will be in a very good frame of mind to receive what I will interpret as people telling me how to “fix” this issue (and I doubt any of you are professionals certified to deal with this sort of problem anyway) so please keep those types of comments to yourself) but on the plus side, it's off my chest. Maybe I can finally get back to my more creative endeavours without that hanging over me. And that sex entry I promised. Which will happen. Eventually.

ETA: Btw, because I keep getting this question: YES, I'M STILL WORKING ON TEF. (Not sure why I bothered saying this; the only people who keep asking don't appear to know how to click on links or use the internet to find out basic information anyway.) (Wow, again! See my superiority complex at work. God, what kind of person am I becoming?)
essbeejay: saving the world. (Default)
Spoilers for TEF/More Than Human below.

I don't know if anybody on tumblr is actually reading this, and I know the comments are meant in jest, but it bums me out some to see people hating on Cindy. Cindy didn't do anything. Cindy should not be blamed for liking a guy, and she doesn't deserve any vitriol for "getting in the way of your OTP." The only people getting in the way of your OTP at this point are the OTP, believe it or not.

What if Cindy were a real girl? What if Cindy were you? What if you were a nice girl (I know you all are!) and you really liked this guy that everybody thought was into this other girl who was WAY more popular and recognized than you? What if that guy you liked asked you to Prom? What if you saw him dancing with that girl that everybody mistakes him for being with? Would you appreciate being viewed as a rude bitch for interrupting them (IN BETWEEN DANCES, so that kind of... doesn't count as an interruption, tbh) when YOU'RE his date?

Cindy does better than most of us. Cindy is never mean to Blossom. She's never a jerk about Brick. She gives Blossom plenty of opportunities to "have Brick" and you know what stops Blossom from taking those opportunities? Her own pride. Not Cindy. You know who's responsible for making Blossom feel like crap on Prom night? Surprise! ALSO NOT CINDY. And you know whose Prom night was really ruined? Because it wasn't really Blossom's. I daresay Cindy had a much shittier Prom night. At least Blossom had a Prom date who genuinely wanted to be with her and wasn't using her as payback.

I know this is fandom and we get attached to our OTPs and this is the way things are so I should just get back on the bus and go home. But I can't abide by girl-hating on a girl who has done absolutely nothing to deserve it. I'm probably exaggerating on the hating; I don't think anybody is actually hating Cindy (at least, I hope not). But I think the way we treat or view characters in fiction subconsciously reflects the way we treat or view people in real life, even when the fictional situation is outlandish and would never actually happen in real life.

Let's be nice to all the ladies, please.

ETA: Seriously everyone, quit giving Cindy crap. Who chose her over Blossom? Who made her think he liked her? Who led her on at Prom?

I love how Brick is the one being an absolute dickbag but he isn't getting an ounce of shit for it. Meanwhile, one of the victims of his assholery is being told to step off. The only reason Cindy is even involved in this business is because Brick pulled her into it. I'm getting progressively more and more irritated by this. Fandom, you need to prioritize your sympathizing in order of who deserves it most, not who you find most attractive.
essbeejay: saving the world. (Default)
Thank you. Reading over the post now stirs up a mixture of "bleurgh" and "oh God this is why I need to sleep on things before actually posting anything" in me, but at the same time I can see I needed to purge that night, so perhaps the insomnia was a blessing in disguise. I thought of editing the entry to put everything behind a cut, but I have this thing about online journals that's probably a little weird - like, once I put it out there, it's out there, and the way life works is you own what you say even if you evolve into a different person later on, and you can't take everything back. Also, it's probably a bad idea to internalize everything. So. It's not hurting anybody at all and it only serves as a mildly embarrassing blip on the radar of my personal history. Like my bad!fic. Much as a part of me would like to wipe that from existence, it's there. And it reminds me where I came from.

(This is probably going to prove me a very big hypocrite in a few months, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.)

Going over the comments gave me the itch to respond to various things! )

I will get around to replying later. For now, thanks again - and thanks also to the beautiful, wonderful people who keep drawing stuff for TEF. I did not think I would ever have so many wonderful fans to speak of, but I do, and I am happy to say that you guys really, really are the best. ♥
essbeejay: saving the world. (Default)
Please do not rec fics to me involving the following:

1) Girls/women being physically raped/sexually abused
2) Girls/women being mentally raped/abused
3) Girls/women FALLING IN LOVE WITH THEIR ATTACKER after the events of 1) and/or 2)
4) Anything playing to pedophilia/loli (loli, which is supposed to be the "cute" name for wanting to sexually abuse children, I guess)

I'm not into it. Sorry. Maybe someday I'll talk about the handful of works that actually dealt with any of the above items in a way I was able to respect and appreciate (Murakami's Piercing comes to mind, as well as Let the Right One In and Audition). Notable that most of those are horror stories. Why? Because the above elements I have listed only work for me when treated with the horrific gravitas they imply and command.

Maybe I'll regret making a pissy post like this later, but at the moment I'm still raging enough to let it slide.
essbeejay: saving the world. (Default)
I'm still recovering from 2010, but I'm trying to be determined. 2011 is going to be a year of rejuvenation, completion, and closure. And if it turns out it isn't, or it can't be, then at least it can be a step towards something of the sort.
-from Jan. 6th, 2011

I wish I could say that 2011 was all of those things, but in reality it was none of them. I left 2010 determined to make things a success, to make all things work out in my favor. The problem was that when things didn't work out, one after the other, I became bitter and resentful. I spent all of 2011 wretchedly angry and lashing out at everything, things that didn't deserve my rage, myself included. I'm still angry with myself. I'm still working on this.

I came out of 2010 wanting to give it the middle finger and misdirected it at 2011. After the year I'd had, I felt I was owed happiness and immediate inspiration, especially considering how hard I had worked to snare and maintain it in 2009. The circumstances in 2010 were extenuating; I could not have helped the things that kept me from all the things I loved best, writing included. But 2011... I brought that on myself. That was all me.

Instead of spending the year rejuvenating myself, I spent it instead sulking in my misery like a teenager. I don't want to be a teenager again. God, please, no. Let's not do that again.

Good things did happen in 2011. The [profile] ppg_hub_drabble comm got started, spun off of the [profile] ppg_hub, and it has brought me such joy to not only be a part of delivering a ready supply of wonderful, well-written PpG!fic on a monthly basis, but to have it at all, period. I met one of you lovely folks in person and had an equally lovely time. And, while I risk sounding egotistical for bringing it up, I would be remiss not to acknowledge the literal deluge of new TEF!fans following [personal profile] gabzillaz's fanart earlier this year. Hello and thank you if you are one of them currently reading this post! I must apologize for my year-long bad mood. Even in the best of moods I still make a terrible hostess.

But the point is... even when wonderful, fantabulous things were happening to me, I was still angry. And that can't be blamed on anything outside of what was going on in my own head. It proves that nobody can be held responsible for my happiness except me alone.

I did get one thing right at the beginning of the year - at the very least, 2011 has been a step towards something resembling rejuvenation, completion, and closure. It took the whole fucking year to make that one little step, and you're looking at it right now. I finally figured out what the problem was: me.

Now I just have to spend 2012 fixing it.
essbeejay: saving the world. (Default)
Via [ profile] shiegra: The infamous [ profile] cleolinda put herself up as a guinea pig for LJ's cross-posting integration with Facebook and Twitter.

What happens is pretty much not cool. At all.

That's not that bad, you say? Further details on how NOT FUCKING COOL this is.

Don't wanna read links? Okay, then here's the most important part that pertains to you and only you - Something that LJ completely neglects to mention is that connecting your FB and LJ will result in your full name (from Facebook) being posted on your profile (in Livejournal). So anyone randomly tooling through LJ who inadvertently (or intentionally) stumbles upon your profile can see your full name and will be linked to your Facebook profile. They don't even have to have an LJ account. It's entirely visible to the public.

Bottom line is, if you're not cool with it, best not activate this garbage. The biggest problem is that LJ really should make this information easily accessible to everyone UP FRONT, rather than glossing over the details in a news post.

Srs bsns aside, I don't know why I expect myself to adhere to any sort of regular posting schedule around here. I'm an optimist, I suppose. I'M STILL OWING YOU GUYS MY EXTRA 2 WEEKS OF POSTING IN SEPTEMBER. I have plans to post something drabble-y and short later today. God willing.

SRS BSNS UPDATE: (via [ profile] shiegra again) More from [ profile] cleolinda on what this means and why we should care. Just in case you're still on the fence or can't see what the fuss is about.

In my dealings with Facebook, all's I got to say (their business practices aside) is that it really is great for networking and connecting/hooking up with old friends and the like, but even so there are really creepy people hanging out there as well. Yes, there are creepy people everywhere, LJ included. But anything that enables creeps to continue being creepy, or worse, creepier, should really be scrutinized before anyone blindly decides to sign on for this shit. So exercise caution.


essbeejay: saving the world. (Default)

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